My Grandmother, the Jewish Vampire

It is a truth, universally accepted, that writers are strange. How strange? Well, on one of the writer forums I infest, someone started a thread that was, even by writer standard, different.

What, they asked, would your Jewish grandmother the Vampire say?

I’m not sure who the concept might insult the most: Jews, grandmothers, vampires, possibly Ann Rice, the ghost of Bela Lugosi or maybe just good taste.

However, not wanting to be accused of harboring any pearls of authorial wisdom, I now present for your Halloween reading pleasure some selected replies to the question:


What Would Your Grandmother, The Jewish Vampire, Say?

Sure, you can fly every where and bite everyone but can you call your grandmother?


You stayed out in the dirt again, didn't you? When I have a nice, cozy coffin for you. tcha!


Oy, if your Grandfather were alive and dead and alive again to see you he would turn over in his coffin.


You think you should track all that blood in here after I just cleaned? Oh, my heart can't take it.


What, so we're made of money like your Uncle Vlad, he should drop dead again with all the cloaks and that goyim Igor and nobody knows where he got it. But I can tell you, it was a kosher Deli over on Fairfax. And all the airs he puts on. Oy. What a tsimmis.


Oy! You've been drinking those A- types again, haven't you? I can always tell. You look like a zombie! Didn't I say? The A-, they're no good for you! Sit, sit! I've some nice O+ soup; it'll make you feel better.


Just put a stake through my heart already.


Always with the schtupping! Oy, they have got a lot of khutspe! When I was that age, the goyim undead kept to themselves!


Yes, that was when the dead was dead. Sigh.


Schmuck, stop with the biting on her tuchas. She is? Funny, she doesn't look vampish.


When I lived in the schtetl, garlic was all we had for seasoning and we liked it. Who are you Mr. Fancy-fangs undead to turn up your nose at my cooking?


My husband....god rest his soul.....he had a pair of fangs on him. Such a good man.

Cobwebs Of The Mind

Ted William Gross

There will be a short (merciful?) break in the posting of rewritten chapters from my first novel, A BRIEF AFFAIR, to introduce "Teddy" Gross. He is, among many other things, an Israeli writer of first-rate fiction and understandable technology. Also, and at no extra charge, you'll find included the review of this site he posted on his blog, Cobwebs of the Mind.

The first link will take you directly to the review (just in case you don't believe anyone could be so kind to the old Bilge). The second one is the primary link.

http://teddygross.blogspot.com/2006/10/cobwebs-of-mind-blog-review-bills.html

http://teddygross.blogspot.com/

If my suffering sciatica is willing, next week will see a return to the same-old, same-old with a chapter that tells the tale of the reunion between the now fiance-free Gwen and unsuspecting Mark.

Meanwhile, read Teddy's review and then check out his blog. Those of a contrarian bent are encouraged to go directly to his blog, scroll down a bit, read the review in its original form, then move on to the good stuff. Either way, you'll be glad you did.

Bayou Bill

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Cobwebs Of The Mind Blog Review:

Bill's Bilge by Southern Newspaper Columnist Bill Fullerton

BILL'S BILGE owned by Bill Fullerton is an incredibly funny and interesting blog that provides a look into the mind of a a Faulkner competition semi-finalist and a finalist by the Santa Fe Writer's Project. At the top of the blog his statement of purpose is absolutely clear:
"I'm a southern newspaper columnist, short story writer, and novelist. Other than that, I'm just another run down, beaten down, slapped down, broken down, shot down, hung down, put down, and kicked around old Boomer who's been beaten up, tied up, chewed up, blown up, hung up, screwed up, messed up, held up, and told to shut the hell up. I'll be posting some of my short stories, chapters from my novels, the occasional odd thought or observation plus any other bilge that comes to mind."

Do not be taken in by that quote. Bill, a newspaper sports columnist for the last 15 years, from the north bank of Kiowa Creek in Dallas, Texas has found homes for some of his short stories in ezines. When I asked for some personal information Bill came back with "Married, three kids, two grandkids, one dog, have a couple college degrees (BS & MA) and a Purple Heart (wounded in Vietnam)". I must admit that having been a battlefield medic for many years, I am impressed by the Purple Heart. I also do think, contrary to conventional wisdom, this does shape a man and his life. Of course Bill listed his interests as "Writing, sports, politics, history, recreational sex". So I kind of like this guy more and more.

There is a tremendous amount of writing up on Bill's site. Indeed he uses his blog as a showcase for his writing, something most authors are loathe to do. However, if your time is limited and you want a taste of what this guy can really do, I strongly suggest you take a look at The Rooster. While it is not for everyone, the art of the craft is very apparent in this excerpt from conversation to description.

Bill mixes humor, self-deprecation and a strong sense of patriotism in all that he comments on in his Blog. Indeed this is not a blog with 4 or 5 entries. It is rich in its presentation of story upon story, comments and musings. It is a true writer blog which shows love of the craft without the normal hand-wringing, angst that you sometimes see from other writers and artists.

In conclusion I will leave you with Bill's final remarks on himself. "I once fouled out in the second quarter of a high school basketball game. The coach raised hell--said the team needed me on the court to win. I'd have felt better except it was the other team's coach. Mine just leaned back on the bench and grinned."That quote is a measure of not only a writer but a person who knows when, how and where to take himself seriously. Bayou Bill's Blog, BILL'S BILGE, is a serious blog to take a look at, enjoy and watch the mind of a writer at work.

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Cobwebs Of The Mind Blog Reviews are posted from time to time based on blogs that are serious endeavors on the part of their owners. For those of you who wish to have their blog reviewed at Cobwebs Of The Mind please email me by using the GMail Icon on the right of the page. Members of Absolute Write (AW) who wish their blog reviewed please go to the following thread and read the instructions in the first post in the thread.

Copyright © by Ted William Gross - 2006