Friday, October 27, 2006

My Grandmother, the Jewish Vampire

It is a truth, universally accepted, that writers are strange. How strange? Well, on one of the writer forums I infest, someone started a thread that was, even by writer standard, different.

What, they asked, would your Jewish grandmother the Vampire say?

I’m not sure who the concept might insult the most: Jews, grandmothers, vampires, possibly Ann Rice, the ghost of Bela Lugosi or maybe just good taste.

However, not wanting to be accused of harboring any pearls of authorial wisdom, I now present for your Halloween reading pleasure some selected replies to the question:

What Would Your Grandmother, The Jewish Vampire, Say?

Sure, you can fly every where and bite everyone but can you call your grandmother?

You stayed out in the dirt again, didn't you? When I have a nice, cozy coffin for you. tcha!

Oy, if your Grandfather were alive and dead and alive again to see you he would turn over in his coffin.

You think you should track all that blood in here after I just cleaned? Oh, my heart can't take it.

What, so we're made of money like your Uncle Vlad, he should drop dead again with all the cloaks and that goyim Igor and nobody knows where he got it. But I can tell you, it was a kosher Deli over on Fairfax. And all the airs he puts on. Oy. What a tsimmis.

Oy! You've been drinking those A- types again, haven't you? I can always tell. You look like a zombie! Didn't I say? The A-, they're no good for you! Sit, sit! I've some nice O+ soup; it'll make you feel better.

Just put a stake through my heart already.

Always with the schtupping! Oy, they have got a lot of khutspe! When I was that age, the goyim undead kept to themselves!

Yes, that was when the dead was dead. Sigh.

Schmuck, stop with the biting on her tuchas. She is? Funny, she doesn't look vampish.

When I lived in the schtetl, garlic was all we had for seasoning and we liked it. Who are you Mr. Fancy-fangs undead to turn up your nose at my cooking?

My husband....god rest his soul.....he had a pair of fangs on him. Such a good man.

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