tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post2283394534325863700..comments2023-10-11T05:18:15.891-05:00Comments on Bill's Bilge: ADMISSION OF AFFECTION - excerptBill Fullertonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13525822318125971222noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-13120229758925675702007-10-13T14:07:00.000-05:002007-10-13T14:07:00.000-05:00I too stopped by because of the AW comment blitz, ...I too stopped by because of the AW comment blitz, although I didn't join it. I've read this piece 2 or 3 times looking for comments to make. The first read through I just enjoyed. But, by now all of the useful comments have been made and I have nothing to add. Pretty brave of you posting here in your blog for everyone and their brother to read and comment on.Nitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13902678906435117116noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-40705889277517020022007-10-12T08:22:00.000-05:002007-10-12T08:22:00.000-05:00I like how raw and honest the writing is here. As...I like how raw and honest the writing is here. As my dad used to say, "It may not be pretty, but it's true."VirtualWordsmithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02502726886709802276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-84713088994692561652007-10-11T17:56:00.000-05:002007-10-11T17:56:00.000-05:00I thought most of the dialogue was quite good, but...I thought most of the dialogue was quite good, but I do want to second Talia's comment about the lack of tension, and Kathleen's comment that story seemed "tell-y." I picked up on both of these things as I was reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-37080898196172568522007-10-11T17:25:00.000-05:002007-10-11T17:25:00.000-05:00Hi Bill, I came by to check out your blog, because...Hi Bill, I came by to check out your blog, because of the comment blitz, and noticed a couple of things right away. For one thing, all these critiques. That's handy, using your blog as an online critique engine. Very cool. Another thing is picking up on the Vietnam vet theme. Since you said in your bio that you're a boomer who has been blown up, I'm going out on a limb and guessing there is some memory work here. That really interests me, how writers work their life story into their writing. If you have anything to share with my blog readers about inserting life into writing, stop by my blog and share your thoughts. <BR/><BR/>Best wishes,<BR/>Jerry Waxler<BR/><A HREF="http://www.memorywritersnetwork.com/blog" REL="nofollow"> Memory Writers Network </A>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-39826639807097987042007-10-11T12:54:00.000-05:002007-10-11T12:54:00.000-05:00Very nice Bill. I almost felt as though I was ther...Very nice Bill. I almost felt as though I was there in the room with them (err..maybe that's not such a good thing). <BR/><BR/>I know next to nothing about writing or even critiquing but the one thing I noticed is that Gwen seemed to 'recover' very quickly from Mark's comments. I'm just not sure that's realistic. Either she's not completely genuine in her feelings, or she's just as wary as he is of being in love and hiding with her lack of reaction to his comments - which could be seen as quite devastating were she really and truly in love with him.Marilyn Braunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17698214356771586102noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-20168579088884884472007-10-11T08:07:00.000-05:002007-10-11T08:07:00.000-05:00I tagged you with a writing meme! Here's the link...I tagged you with a writing meme! Here's the link if you want to play: http://elrenaevans.blogspot.com/2007/10/writing-meme.htmlElrenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11738565810912490256noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-43670471815983586002007-10-10T13:29:00.000-05:002007-10-10T13:29:00.000-05:00I like it. Though I'm thinking the title should b...I like it. Though I'm thinking the title should be Attack of the Preying Mantis. But then, I'm probably thinking like a fish. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-72267558692105003952007-10-09T23:47:00.000-05:002007-10-09T23:47:00.000-05:00Hi BillI'm going to preface this by saying I'm not...Hi Bill<BR/><BR/>I'm going to preface this by saying I'm not a romance genre reader for the simple reason I don't enjoy romance. Only a small number of romances appeal to me, and if I may be blunt this one didn't. I recognised the characters as being from your novel (although I confessed I'd forgotten more than I remembered) so I realised it wasn't necessarily a complete story, but an excerpt as you described.<BR/><BR/>For me it lacked tension. I know there is some conflict between the characters but for me it needed a bit more edge to it. <BR/><BR/>At first the dialogue was great but then it started to get a bit heavy. People don't usually talk in so much detail when explaining their feelings. I'm a psychologist and my clients don't usually go into so much detail. That's especially true in couples. They tend to have their own language or shorthand and tend not to "explain" so much. That's even more true of men. Woman talk about feelings, men talk about what they think. And men look for solutions, rather than processing all their thoughts.<BR/><BR/>I hope this helps, and as I said it's not a genre I am fond of so that is certainly colouring my view<BR/><BR/>I almost think you should be writing a detective noir novel (or whatever the term is). Elements of it have that feel about it, but maybe that's just me. It sounds old-fashioned as if it is set in days gone by<BR/>Good luckTaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08021644688776666185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-48560238998275127522007-10-09T09:49:00.000-05:002007-10-09T09:49:00.000-05:00I really enjoyed this piece. I have two critiques...I really enjoyed this piece. I have two critiques:<BR/><BR/>1. When you are describing Gwen, it felt like an adjective dump. I think that there is too much description, too close together. It felt forced.<BR/><BR/>2. I know it is a short story, but it felt a bit "tell-y" when Mark was going into his feelings about love and 'Nam. The discussion felt very "tame", when I thought there should have been more emotion from Gwen. I would think that she would be cutting him off, and pleading her case more. She came across as very composed and understanding, when I suspect that tensions were actually running a bit higher.<BR/><BR/>Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, and I hope that you will continue to expand it. If you do, you can really take some of Mark's "telling" and use it as character building throughout the story.<BR/><BR/>Nice excerpt! Thanks for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-75630023913676846932007-10-09T08:27:00.000-05:002007-10-09T08:27:00.000-05:00Thanks to both of you. This story is an adaptation...Thanks to both of you. This story is an adaptation of a scene from my first novel. I turned it into a short story by fiddling with the opening paragraphs. I should have fiddled a bit longer.<BR/><BR/>BillBill Fullertonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519204136462946444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-20967015205818908112007-10-08T18:15:00.000-05:002007-10-08T18:15:00.000-05:00I agree, the first paragraph felt a bit stilted, b...I agree, the first paragraph felt a bit stilted, but then everything smoothed out and flowed nicely. Well done!K.A. Stewarthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00926336938605410096noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9637785.post-59311288547453728992007-10-08T13:41:00.000-05:002007-10-08T13:41:00.000-05:00Your dialog really sounds authentic -- like you've...Your dialog really sounds authentic -- like you've spent days and days just listening to the way people talk. <BR/><BR/>I do have one small critique, however. The first couple of lines feel just a bit clunky, as if you knew where you wanted to go with the story and were in a hurry to get there.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com